Forgiven
by Temari 88
Summary: - "I have always been determined – that is what gave me free access to the world that was Gaara, with all his ups and downs - I have always been a fighter… I always thought I was enough to keep him safe…" -


_Hello!! :D_

_Here for you a one-shot based on the song of a group I've 'discovered' recently and loved immediately: Within Temptation :P_

_Last week, while listening to this song, I came up with the idea for this fiction... it took me a while to write it because I wanted to be in line with the 'atmosphere' of the rhythm and lyrics. I hope I did a good job *sweatdrops* I like it, but I'll wait for your response :)_

_Uhm, some warnings: violence (mentioned), abuse (mentioned), angst, character death_

_Disclamer: I don't own Naruto nor Forgiven..._

_Words: 3355_

_This is in Naruto's POV_

_Read&Review! :D_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88_

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FORGIVEN  
_by Temari 88_

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For the fourth time, this month, I brought him to his old house. I wanted him to see his siblings, as it's been more than two months since they last saw him (the other times they hadn't been home): I didn't wish for him to loose the already thin bond he had with the only two members of his family who still cared for him… I know they still loved him, they didn't care for what he's done; they didn't blame him, they didn't judge him – they knew what happened.

I always called them. I was very careful. I _always_ made sure it was safe to bring him there.

What would happen if I didn't?

_**Couldn't save you from the start  
Love you so it hurts my soul  
Can you forgive me for trying again?  
Your silence makes me hold my breath  
All the time has passed you by**_

… It would happen what happened today. It was so unexpected, for his father to come back home early - it was a week-day: he never came home before 8pm. We were just about to go home ourselves, when the car pulled up the driveway… it was too late. I could do nothing more than hold him close to my chest and look over at the other occupants of the living room; they were stark white, their eyes wide open and their hands were trembling slightly – I knew they could see me shaking as well.

The last thing I remember is his father stumbling through the front door (he was very obviously drunk), first yelling at all of us and then coming our way with a fist raised high up, ready to hit his own youngest son. I stepped forward, I tried to stop the man, but he punched me so hard I fell and my head cracked on the side of the table.

When I woke up, I realized I was in my bed. Alone. As I tried to get up, my head started spinning and I fought back a wave of nausea; I forced myself out of the bedroom. The house seemed empty, but I knew he was there somewhere so I searched every room: I wanted to know what had happened back with his father and siblings: I was sure someone had brought us home – he doesn't drive, so one of his siblings must have taken us here.

The last room I had yet to check was the guests' bedroom (it's mostly unused since we sleep together).

"Gaara!!! You here?!" I said, a bit panicked, opening the door. He was there, on the bed, his back to me. I could see his green shirt wrinkled and ripped in places… my breath started to come in quicker and in shallow breaths, my hands began shaking – I wasn't sure if I wanted to know how Gaara looked on the front: I already feared for the worst…

I circled the bed and stopped to face Gaara.

I felt myself sinking down to the floor, releasing a shaky breath as I rested my head before his crossed legs – I couldn't face him…

"Oh, Gaara… I'm- sorry… it was my fault. I shouldn't have made you go there… I didn't expect him to come home…"

My body was shaking with guilt and my heart was so tight, I couldn't stand it. I finally raised my eyes, I let them take in his appearance; I reached out to touch that pale face - the face I loved so much - and I felt the cuts under my fingers, I saw the bruises beginning to turn black, the dried blood that had oozed out of the wounds… I was crying, silently, because that was the worst I'd ever seen him…

I loved him so very much. I always loved his skin; it was so soft, no one would expect it as Gaara's not a 'soft' person… he's always been cold and his features had never had those childish qualities that'd give to, for example, me, a soft look… still, his snow-white complexion had me falling for him immediately after I knew him. I loved caressing his face and I could spend hours just looking at him.

That was why I couldn't forgive myself: his face was bruised and beaten, cuts and slashes covered every free patch of skin – also his arms were covered in wounds - and the more my gaze lingered, the more I felt my soul tearing piece by piece. If Gaara was in that state, it was only my fault.

The only thing I could do… was to swallow the lump rising in my throat and clean those horrible cuts.

And so I did: with as much care and love as I could feel spring inside me, I disinfected the wounds and dressed them. The silence reigned inside the bathroom – Gaara had kept silent for hours and I felt its terrible weight on my shoulders and heart.

I knew he didn't blame me; neither I nor any of his siblings could have predicted what had happened.

_**For so long, I've tried to shield you from the world  
You couldn't face the freedom on your own  
Here I am  
Left in silence  
**_

Still, I felt it was my responsibility to take care of Gaara, not only because I was his only support but because I _loved_ him and I promised to myself that I'd do anything to save him. Anything.

I tried with all my might to protect him. I knew he was no princess to be saved from any dragon – I was far from a prince charming myself: I knew my limits far too well to even _begin_ to deceive myself that I was… but I didn't want to leave him alone, I thought he wouldn't resist facing his father all on his own…

I became a constant part of his life, I stayed by his side no matter what. I was proud to be the first person he looked for, whenever he woke up from a nightmare; I was proud to be the only one he let close; I was proud to be the one he trusted the most. I was the only one who could touch him – love him.

Every time we came across his father, I rushed in front of him and stood up for him… even taking the blows directed at him… it didn't matter to me - the hits, the slaps, the bruises, the insults - nothing of that mattered as long as Gaara was safe.

… I always thought I was enough to keep him safe…

His silence had never been easy to deal with… but talking was not necessary between us and I could hear him talk through his eyes. That was enough for me – I had Gaara there beside me and I couldn't ask for nothing more than that…

The silence that surrounds me now, though, I can't stand: it is so _unnatural_…

_**You gave up the fight  
You left me behind  
All that's done's forgiven  
You'll always be mine  
I know deep inside  
All that's done's forgiven**_

Now, for the first time since I knew him, I feel like I'm about to lash out. Lash out at something, at someone… I want to lash out at him. I know it's wrong of me to feel this _anger_ towards him – I can't believe I'm even thinking this - it is a completely irrational emotion: why should I try to hurt the one person I've always tried to protect?

… I don't think I'm a fickle person. If I was, I would have left Gaara to his fate years and years ago; I wouldn't have suffered like I did, for him and also for his siblings; I wouldn't have kept trying to get through the _thick_ walls that enchased my red-headed love, uncaring of the hurtful words and glares; I wouldn't have loved him in the all-giving way in which I, still, loved him.

I have always been determined – that is what gave me free access to the world that was Gaara, with all its ups and downs - I have always been a fighter.

Gaara used to be a fighter as well, at the beginning, when he was a young pre-teenager. He would smile at me happily, he would show me his brand new game, he would stand up for me when older guys made fun of me, he would fight them for me even if he was smaller than me. He was a normal boy; he had a mother who loved him dearly.

His father never liked him but, for his wife's sake, he never touched the child; he acted cold but he never actually down right ignored his son; he complimented him, from time to time, even if he didn't really mean it. That was enough for all of them… because Gaara's mother's smile could make every bad thing go away.

But then, she died. She died trying to save her dear boy from a horrible death.

And that was the end of everything.

The Gaara I had known, shrunk and became an empty envelope, something unfeeling and numb. A shell it took me ages and ages to crack enough to fit in. A body I couldn't seem to be able to really warm up once again. And, although he had rare moments of happiness, they were always so brief, only love-making could make him tell me what he felt.

And now… now I'm here. And I'm trying to resist the urge to slam my fist on him. I'm covered in a transparent blanket that leaves everything around me out: I don't hear the words that man a few feet away is saying, I don't feel the hand resting on my shoulder (squeezing every now and then), I don't register the empty space where his father should be, I don't see the concerned look Gaara's siblings are sending my way.

I look forward. My vision blurs but I don't care, because the thing I'm seeing has nothing to do with what's in front of my eyes… I don't need to see clearly to see this…

I'm so angry right now – and I know Temari and Kankuro mistake my shaking for something else.

I'm so pissed I'd like to destroy everything within my reach. An abnormal reaction, this is, and I know it… but I can't help myself. I feel so betrayed.

I don't know if I will ever forgive him, for doing this… does he realize what he has done?!

_**Watched the clouds drifting away  
Still the sun can't warm my face  
I know it was destined to go wrong  
You were looking for the great escape  
To chase your demons away**_

… It seems, as much as I'd like to think otherwise, I had been fooling myself all this time… and I did not realize just how much I was letting myself be dragged down by a weight far too heavy for me to sustain all on my own…

The anger I felt before has… evaporated. I feel a wind pick up from I don't know where, blowing in my direction, threading through my hair, making my clothes stick to my body. My knees start to shake – this wind… it is cold, freezing…

I feel those ghostly hands grabbing me and holding me still as they let ice make its way through my veins, through my brain, through my heart. I try to scream in fear – it's useless: no one can hear me, my soul has no one who'd save it, now… and as the icy wind dies down, so does the light in my eyes.

My body, my being, falls pray to numbness. I can't feel a thing.

I look up at the sky, where a mocking sun is spreading a warmth that doesn't reach my frozen soul.

Not even the thought of him moves my heart anymore – my love for him is still there, ever present, and it won't go away, it won't fade… _ever _- because suddenly I find myself thinking: I should have seen it coming… yes, I believe my love made me blind, it prevented me from seeing something that would have scared me too much – the possibility of loosing him.

He… had been writhing away before my very eyes, slowly but surely, and I was so lost in my love for him I didn't see it. Maybe it is better, that I didn't. It would have been too much for me to stand – watching Gaara falling to pieces, unable to do anything about it.

I probably refused to register that he had been trying to put an end to all the suffering. A suffering against which I could do nothing, because it came from the inside… Gaara had been slowly loosing the battle with himself; his demons had grown too strong for him to chase away on his own. The love and affection and devotion I infused in him had not been enough…

_**For so long, I've tried to shield you from the world  
You couldn't face the freedom on your own  
Here I am  
Left in silence**_

… So I'm left here, in this unreal silence, trying vainly to find an evidence to prove that he's still here with me… with his peculiar aura, with his smell, with his breathing, with his eye-talking… I wish I could still hear his beating heart against my ear, feel his chest rising and falling beneath my hand, look at his perfect skin until my eyes are satisfied…

I try to smile to myself for the corny thoughts, but it comes out more like a grimace. I can't contain the pain I feel just beneath the surface… I don't think I'll ever be rid of this awful twist in my heart. How could I?

I've spent my whole life with him only to be left behind, alone, with an even heavier weight that is crushing my shoulders. I'm left in the cold; I'm condemned to crawl through a dead land, uselessly looking everywhere for him – knowing full well that I'll never find him.

I gave my every last bit of strength to keep him safe (and I don't regret it, I would never) but now… there is no one who'd shield me from the numbness I'm in… there's no one who'd comfort me, saying that nothing of this ever happened, saying that Gaara will be back soon… there is no one, yet again.

_**You gave up the fight  
You left me behind  
All that's done's forgiven  
You'll always be mine**_  
_**I know deep inside  
All that's done's forgiven**_

I really can't believe what he did… what should I do, now?

I have no family to turn to. The only person I had ever considered as such has now left me as well… I can't go visit Temari and Kankuro – I have no right to do so, they have no more connections with me… I'd probably simply remind them of Gaara and I don't wish for them any more grief… it will be hard for them already, living with the man that has caused their younger brother to make his final choice.

I know Gaara is most likely happy, wherever he may be: he is free, there is nothing that'd hurt him like his father did; there is no people judging him for things he didn't have any control over; no one is spitting down at him; no spiteful words… maybe he's finally found his mother again… maybe he's smiling once again, laughing; maybe his eyes are shining lively like when he was younger…

I know he has forgiven every last person who'd treated him spitefully. I know he doesn't want to remember all the wounds they gave him, all the hurt they bestowed upon him.

I know he has felt my anger towards him, for his living me here, and I know he has forgiven me as well… he understands why I was angry and doesn't judge me – he knows just how hard it is for me.

Where he is, he doesn't need to hold any grudges. He is finally free from everything…

_**I've been so lost since you've gone  
Why not me before you?  
Why did fate deceive me?  
Everything turned out so wrong  
Why did you leave me in silence?**_

I… I can't stand this anymore! Every day that passes me by, I feel my strength fading slowly away… I can't even force myself to go to work… I don't ever leave this house. I've isolated myself from the world…

I miss him. I miss him _so much_, it hurts to breathe… it hurts to think because every time I let my mind wander, the only thoughts coming… are of him… and I can't stand it, to stay here alone while he's gained his freedom… now it is _me_, who's trapped – in this coldness seeping into my body, in this loneliness that weights me down day after day, in this house full of reminders of him - I want to break free so bad…!

I've used all my voice to scream and yell at the heavens. Begged them to give him back, to take me as well, to turn back time and make it all better… I should have known there are no beings there to listen to mere mortals; they don't care for any of us – we are puppets in their hands, we are dolls at their mercy.

I don't know how long I'll be able to go on like this. Every day I'm more and more tempted to leave this awful world where he is not present. Once and for all. I want to embrace him, hold him in my arms… 'til the end of everything…

I don't think I'll resist much longer…

I love him too much to stay away form him…

_**You gave up the fight  
You left me behind  
All that's done's forgiven  
You'll always be mine  
I know deep inside  
All that's done's forgiven**_

"_Wait for me, Gaara; I'll be there with you, soon, and we'll be free together. Away from here…"_


End file.
